Wednesday, August 17, 2005

Good one liners

1. Conscience --- the little voice of morality thatyou wish had a body so you could punch it in the nose.

2. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced,you can't be promoted.

3. There is a fine line between "hobby" and "mentalillness."

4. Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include afree trip around the sun every year.

5. Christians--- People who follow Jesus, althoughthey disagree on which way He went.

6. Our opinion of people depends less upon what we seein them, than upon what they make us see in ourselves.

7. Can you confuse an open mind with one that is justvacant?

8. Isn't philosophy just a battle against thebewitchment of our intelligence by means of language?

9. It is one of the most beautiful compensations oflife, that no man can sincerely try to help anotherwithout helping himself. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson

10. Learning is finding out what you already know.Doing is demonstrating that you know it. Teaching isreminding others that they know it just as well asyou.

11. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

12. Never approach a bull from the front, a horse fromthe rear, or a fool from any direction.

13. Don't compromise yourself. You are all you've got.

14. A truly happy person is one who can enjoy thescenery on a detour.

15. If all the world is a stage, where is the audiencesitting?

16. If your mind goes blank, don't forget to turn offthe sound.

17. The closest anyone comes to perfection is when heor she fills out a job application form.

18. One of the symptoms of an approaching nervousbreakdown is the belief that one's work is terriblyimportant. - Bertrand Russell

19. You take your life in your own hands, and whathappens? A terrible thing: no one to blame.

20. To kill time is not murder, it's suicide. -William James.

21. Good teachers are the ones who can challenge youngminds without losing their own.

22. I am careful not to confuse excellence withperfection. Excellence I can reach for; perfection isGod's business.

23. Success is more attitude than aptitude.

24. When a pastor asked the class, "Why was Jesus bornin Bethlehem?" a boy raised his hand and replied,"Because his mother was there."

25. The greatest good you can do for another is notjust share your riches, but reveal to them their own."- Benjamin Disraeli

26. Why do the same people who laugh at sciencefictionlisten to weather forecasts and economists?

27. I've learned that I don't suffer from insanity, Ienjoy it.

28. Shallow men believe in luck, Strong men believe incause and effect. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

29. The power of man has grown in every sphere, exceptover himself.”

30. We are all worms. But I believe that I am aglow-worm.

31. All through my childhood I prayed to God for a newbike, but did not get it. Later I understod that thatsnot how God works. So I stole abike and asked forforgivance.

32. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.

33. Tell me, and I'll forget. Show me, and I'llremember. Involve me, and I'll learn."

34. I never see failure as failure, but only as thegame I must play to win.

35. Skill is successfully walking a tightrope overNiagara Falls. Intelligence is not trying.

36. It doesn't matter how much milk you spill as longas you don't lose the cow.

37. A weakness is often a strength inappropriatelyapplied.

38. Middle age is when broadness of the mind andnarrowness of the waist change places.

39. Loving people live in a loving world. Hostilepeople live in a hostile world. Same world.--

40. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion thatlife is serious.

41. A lie can travel halfway around the world whilethe truth is putting on its shoes." - Mark Twain

42. Love your enemies; it will drive them nuts.

43. Life may have no meaning. Or even worse, it mayhave a meaning of which I disapprove.

44. The mind is not a vessel to be filled but a fireto be kindled.

45. Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Wherehave I gone wrong?" Then a voice says to me, "This isgoing to take more than one night."

46. My opinions may have changed, but not the factthat I am right.

47. A great many people think they are thinking whenthey are merely rearranging their prejudices.

48. The trouble with life is there's no backgroundmusic.

49. To change everything...simply change yourattitude.

50. Do you always want to be right, or do you want tobe happy?

51. Every day we are given stones. What do we buildwith them? A bridge, or a wall?

52. You wouldn't be worried about what people think ofyou if you knew how seldom they actually do.

53. When confronted with a Goliath-size problem, whichway do you respond-- "He's too big to hit", or "He'stoo big to miss"?

54. Life is a journey, not a destination. Enjoy thetrip!

55. The biggest lie on the planet: "When I get what Iwant, I will be happy."

56. If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanistseat?

57. Defeat isn't bitter, as long as you don't swallowit.

58. I always wanted to be somebody, but I should havebeen more specific.

59. You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant ~ beforeI realised that people didn't like me anyway.

60. I've learned....That life is tough, but I'mtougher.

61. The human race has one really effective weapon,and that is laughter. --Mark Twain

62. Laughter is a tranquilizer with no side effects

63. Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads

64. Insanity is my only means of relaxation.

65. If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.

66. No sense being pessimistic, it probably wouldn't work anyway

67. Most problems are not created or solved; they only change appearances

68. There are obviously two educations. One should teach us how to make a living and the other how to live.

69. You don't have to blow out the other fellow's light to let your own shine.

70. An optimist is somebody who always sees the bright side of your problem.

71. TEACHER to Little Jimmy, "why do you always get so dirty?"; "Little Jimmy, "I'm a lot closer to the ground then you are."

72. The best way to predict the future is to create it!

73. Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

74. I went out to find a friend, But couldn't not find one there. I went out to be a friend, And friends were everywhere.

75. Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets.

76. Better to light one small candle than to curse the darkness. ~Chinese Proverb

77. Usually our criticism of others is not because they have faults, but because their faults are different from ours.

78. What would be the use of immortality to a person who cannot use well a half hour? ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

79. A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices." ~William James

80. Good words are worth much, and cost little.

81. After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead.

82. A pessimist is someone who complains about the noise when opportunity knocks.

83. You’re not a complete idiot. There are still some parts missing!

84. If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

85. Upper Crust: a bunch of crumbs stuck together with a lot of dough.

86. The brightest things you ever say are those you think about the next day.

87. Nothing else ruins the truth like stretching it.

88. Man can live without air for seconds, without water for days, without food for weeks, and without ideas for years.

89. Tact is the knack of making a point without making an enemy

90. Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.

91. It is impossible to defeat an ignorant man in argument

92. Remember, that NOT getting what you want is sometimes a stroke of good luck.

93. Joy is not in things! It is in us!

94. The best way to escape your problem is to solve it.

95. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

96. It's hard to make a come back when you haven't been anywhere.

97. All reports are in; life is now officially unfair.

98. I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

99. janami dharmam na cha me pravrutthih janamyadharmam na cha me nivrutthih |
kenaapi devena hrudhisthithena yatha niyuktosmi thatha karomi ||

I'm not bossy, I just know what you should be doing.

My idea of a team effort is a lot of people doing whatever I say.

If you drink, don't park. Accidents cause people.

Inside every large program is a small program trying to get out.

Beer is now cheaper than gas. Drink, don't drive!

People who think they know it all really annoy those of us who do.

I have a perfect body. It's your vision that's defective.

Well, at least the war on the environment is going well.

Churches only worship the prophet margin.

Don't believe everything you think.

Without geometry, life is pointless.

Stable relationships are for horses.

Just say NO to negativity.

I thought I was indecisive; now I'm not so sure.

I've heard about the evils of drinking beer, so I gave up reading.

Beer doesn't make you fat. It makes you lean

I'm not saying you're a monkey, but take this banana and scram.

The winner of the rat race is still a rat.

I love animals. They're delicious.

I didn't climb to the top of the food chain to become a vegetarian!

Kids in the back seat cause accidents; Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

Money is the root of all evil. For more information, send $10 to me.

If you observe this vehicle being operated in an unsafe manner, please try to

think of it as one more anomoly in the cosmic order.

I didn't believe in reincarnation in my last life, either!

Life is too short to worry about how short life is.

Excess is never too much in moderation.

Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.

Help your local Search & Rescue. Get lost!

The generation of random numbers is too important to leave to chance.

Say "NO" to drugs. That will bring the prices down.

An Apple a day keeps Windows away.

Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the

Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

The control key on the keyboard does not work.

Jesus loves you! Everybody else thinks you're a jerk.

People like you are the reason people like me need medication.

Every time you open your mouth, some idiot starts talking.

The box said Windows 2000 or better. So I installed Linux.

Use the best: Linux for servers, Mac for graphics, Windows for Solitaire.

Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.

To err is human, to blame it on somebody else shows management potential.

Suburbia: Where they tear out the trees and name streets after them.

All men are idiots, and I married their King.

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

The trouble with life is there's no background music.

Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research.

Warning: Dates on calendar are closer than they appear.

I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.

Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you weren't asleep.

I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?

I'm supposed to back up my hard drive, but how do I put it into reverse?

Chaos, panic, and disorder - my work here is done.

Is it time for your medication or mine?

Getting on your feet means getting off your butt.

I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.

If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.

Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye opener.

To err is human, to forgive divine. Neither is government policy.

My mother is a travel agent for guilt trips.

(Spotted on a passing motorcycle): If you can read this, my wife fell off!

I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.

First things first, but not necessarily in that order.

If going to church makes you a Christian, does going into a garage make you a


In America, anyone can be president. That's one of the risks you take.

Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

So you're a feminist. Isn't that cute?

The more you complain the longer God makes you live.

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

Life would be easier if I had the source code.

God must love stupid people. He made SO many.

I said "no" to drugs, but they didn't listen.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

If catapults are outlawed, only outlaws will have catapults.

It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

God is my co-pilot, but the Devil is my bombardier.

I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit.

EARTH FIRST! We'll strip-mine the other planets later.

My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her (or something like that).

If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0!

All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

Karaoke bars combine two of the nation's greatest evils: people who shouldn't

drink with people who shouldn't sing.

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

Watch out for the idiot behind me.

So you're kids no honor student. Society needs laborers.

Never miss a good opportunity to shut up.

I doubt, therefore I might be.

There are 10 types of people in the world. Those who understand binary, and those

who don't.

Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening all at once.

If it isn't broken, fix it until it is.

Thank God I'm an atheist.

Never knock on Death's door. Ring the bell and run, he hates that.

Jesus died for my sins and all I got was this lousy t-shirt.

Archaeologists will date any old thing.

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.

Vegetarian: Indian word for lousy hunter.

Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.


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